THE CATS OF WECLAW

 Show terms for the Novice Show Person

Cat Fanciers Dictionary

BENCHING REQUEST (bentching rikwest) noun   
A tactical maneuver employed by exhibitors with a devout interest in social climbing, self-preservation or both.

BALLISTIC (ba lis tik) adjective  
What happens to a cat having a bad day when it goes after a judge the way China goes after its dissidents.

CONTRACT (kontrakt) noun   
Attempted legalese in which the party of the first part, through sedulous disregard of the first and other amendments, seeks to hog-tie the party of the second part in a transaction involving a cat.

CATALOG (katuhlaug) noun   
A confusing, hard to use exhibitors necessity. Contains all the information on all the cats entered in the show; however, this information is frequently incorrect due to no fault of the exhibitor or the entry clerk. Designed to fall apart by the third ring of the day. Unlike the hand, is easily misplaced. Most frequently disappears when your cat has done very well and the information it contains is badly needed.

DESIGNER CAGE CURTAINS (dizainer kaej kertinz) noun   
A triumph of platitude over practicality whereby once-utilitarian items have been elevated to the status of status symbols. Spiritual kin to the velvet Elvis painting, designer cage curtains sometimes cost more than the cats they surround.

DIRECTIONS TO THE SHOW HALL (direkshunz, sho haul) noun   
In legal terms, sufficient cause for justifiable homicide. No jury has ever convicted a person for assaulting the committee member who put together the directions to the show hall.

DISCRETIONARY INCOME (diskreshunaree inkum) noun   
What an exhibitor has left for the mortgage, the kids' orthodontist, the utility bills after paying entry fees, plane fares and dinners charged to Mastercard for the last four shows.

DISINFECTANT (disinfecktnt) noun   
A sacramental ointment used by judges to wash their hands of their decisions.

END-OF-ROW-BENCHING (end ov roe bentching) noun   
Prime show hall real estate paid for by exhibitors who are incapable of ignoring people on both
sides of them at once.

ENTRY CLERK (entre klurk) noun   
A person who suffers fools, phone calls, and inane questions, though not always gladly or with grace.

FRESH WATER (fresh wahtr) noun   
A luke-warm, murky substance located at least one-quarter mile and two doorways from an exhibitor's benching cage.

FUR (fer) noun   
What some exhibitors and judges wear on their clothes to cat shows in colder months for warmth.

GATE (gaet) noun   
A collective noun applied to a collection of individuals, at least half of whom interrupt your grooming to announce that they "have a cat just like that at home".

 HAND (hahnd) noun   
An appendage, with an opposable thumb, provided by providence so that exhibitors will have something to write their cats' entry numbers on that, unlike the catalog, they won't be able to misplace.

HOUSEHOLD PET CLASS (howshoeld pet klas) noun   
A congregation of cats of allegedly unknown origin who sometimes outnumber their pedigreed cousins at a show.

ITCOULDGOEITHERWAY (itkudgoeeethurwae)   
A plea entered by a judge who is about to do something that a large percentage of the audience is sure to disagree with.

JUDGES DINNER (judgz dinur) noun   
A secular version of the last supper in which the haves are pursued by the would-haves. An enterprise to which the average exhibitor is not always invited despite the fact that he or she is subsidizing the dinner with an entry fee.

JUDGING TABLE (judjing taebul) noun   
A place where fleas, mats, ear mites, and suspicious looking bald spots, miraculously appear for the first time in a cat's life.

LUNCH BREAK (luntch braek) noun   
An interval in which exhibitors repay judges for their many transgressions by asking them questions while they are trying to eat.

MASTER CLERK (mastur klurk) noun   
A person with a keenly developed tolerance for drudgery, a head for transcribing figures under extreme duress, and a determination to become a judge at any cost. A fondness for cat shirts may be substituted for the judging fixation.

NOVICE EXHIBITOR (nahvis exibitur) noun   
A natural mutation of the human species. Equal parts "golly-gee" enthusiasm and endless questions.

PEDIGREE (pedugree) noun   
A document listing the known (or alleged) ancestors of a cat. Much studied by persons with a fondness for cryptograms.

PEOPLE FOOD (peepul fud) noun   
What exhibitors subsist on at shows. Differs from cat food in that the latter must conform to certain government standards.

POLITICS (polutiks) noun   
Why your cat was defeated by a cat belonging to someone on the show committee, a friend, judge scmoozer, or by a judge.

 RAFFLE (rafl) noun   
Legalized petty larceny, sanctioned by show committees, in which children are authorized to shake down their elders in the spirit of trick or treat.

RIVAL ASSOCIATIONS (raival asosseeaeshunz) noun   
Other purebred cat associations with no redeeming social value, where the cats are inferior, the judges are incompetent, and the exhibitors eat their young.

ROSETTE (roezet) noun   
A garish wall covering. Prized by cat fanciers the way scalps were prized by warlike Indians.

SHOW BATH (shoe bahth) noun   
A very painful and needlessly complicated process which removes a quantity of dirt and hair from a cat, multiplies it by ten, mixes it with steam and applies it to every surface of a room.

SHOW COMMITTEE (shoe kuhmitee) noun   
Depending on who's at the helm and how treacherous the sharks in the
surrounding water are decides which well-meaning members will preside over the show. Note the word commit, as in certifiably insane.

SHOW FLYER (shoe flie-ur) noun   
What the serpent concealed in the apple that he presented to Eve.

SPECTATOR (spektaeur) noun   
See "GATE"

STANDARD (standurd) noun   
A work of fiction that artfully combines the exactitude of the constitution with the literary flair of a blueprint. Difficult to read, nearly impossible to apply, and frequently ignored by the judges.

STEWARD (stoo-urd) noun   
An underage and under duress member of the juvenile set wearing at least one item of clothing you've never seen before and looking at a bunch of cats he or she hopes never to see again.

THIRD CALL (thurd kawl) noun   
The earliest call heeded by those exhibitors who believe the last shall be the first, as long as the judge sees them putting the cat in the ring.

THISISTHEWAYISEEITTODAY (thisisthuhwaeiseeittooday)   
A disclaimer that the judges use when they aren't convinced of the certitude of their decisions and suspect that you aren't going to be either.

TIE-BREAKERS (tei-braekrz) noun   
What a judge does to stall for time and pray for guidance when itcouldgoeitherway. These services are usually conducted just before the judge intones thisisthewayiseeittoday.

TRAINEE (traenee) noun   
An extremely nervous individual who holds up the show while trying to guess how the judge is going to hang the ribbons in any particular class.